As a writer and also a sort of addiction-ologist I cannot help but observe and reflect on the division of our nation as it pertains to Michael Jackson. The overarching question seems to be should we revere him or should we condemn him? Was he a Demi-God, or was a monster? And the whole climate of confusion, as well as the depth of mourning, harks me back to the age of 9 and the death of Elvis Presley. I can remember foggily asking in those sad days…How could this be?
And I can see that it is a question we are all asking again.
And if you expanded this question it might sound something like this… “How could someone so talented, so gifted, so powerfully able to touch human beings have come to this?” And the very way that we were touched by Elvis Presley and later by Michael Jackson seems to indicate a depth of humanity in both that is starkly contradicted by their behavior.
So how do we reconcile this seeming contradiction? We look here and we look there. We split up and take sides. Demi-God-ers face off with Monster-ites. We argue amongst ourselves. Those who want to deny and forget the monstrosities condemn those who want to deny and forget the greatness of The King of Pop. And the same also happens in reverse.
And so we create a house divided in our very nation. And it is the same divided house that has been in existence in millions of torn homes across our nation for years innumerable. And in our ‘nation-house’ we see the same denial, the same determination to take sides, and the same fierce loyalty and confusion about which side to take that has existed in torn homes forever. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation-home’ we see aberrant and criminal behaviors like those of Michael Jackson. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation home’ we see loose cannon behaviors like those of Elvis Presley. And in those torn homes, as in our ‘nation-home’, we hang on for the greatness, and recoil from the depravity. And in those torn homes, as in our nation home, there is one common denominator…the existence of a drug addict, alcoholic, or substance abuser. And now we uncover what is very probably the same common denominator in Michael Jackson in his abuse of prescription drugs.
As an educator in the field of addiction, I pray for the day that we truly understand that drugs and alcohol affect the very way that human beings think. I hope we will someday see that each and every drug, including alcohol, affects the functioning of the human brain in a multitude of ways. And when a person is on drugs and alcohol, he or she cannot be trusted to follow the rules of conscience or values. And the longer the person has been taking drugs or alcohol, the less conscience and values we will see. And as the drugging or drinking progresses, there comes a time when a person’s behavior and thinking goes 100% opposite to common values, common sense, and even common human feeling. And there even comes a time when the person’s thinking is so askew that he or she will justify the commission of atrocities and crimes even when the drug is not present.
I was a lover of Elvis as much as many of you are lovers of Michael. As such I am sometimes guiltily thankful that the king died before he could reconcile himself to doing something worse than shooting out a television set. I never would have wanted to see atrocity coming from the man who brought tears to my eyes when he sang words like…
“If I can dream of a better land, where all my brothers walk hand in hand, tell me why can’t that dream come true.”
And yet I have a fear that regardless of Michael and regardless of Elvis, we as a people will go merrily along on our well-worn path, drinking and drugging our way to our own personal versions of Neverland. We will continue to use prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, alcohol, illicit and illegal drugs, club drugs, and some of us will even suck on aerosol cans or drink rubbing alcohol to alter our brains and get high. And we will believe with all of our hearts that what happened to the King of Rock and Roll and what happened to the King of Pop will never happen to us. We will believe that we will never become like them. We will believe that we alone are impervious to the affects of drugs and alcohol on our minds. We will believe like Elvis believed and like Michael believed- thereby creating our own real-world version of “Thriller Night.”
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Zarate Brothers... We demand to Know More.
I was reading about the two young Zarate brothers who murdered their teenage neighbor and were caught while throwing the trunk with her dismembered body off The Passaic River bridge. One of them was convicted in an earlier trial and the other one just got convicted this week. It was alleged that this week's convict, James Zarate, hated his neighbor, who had gotten him into trouble years before for bullying her.
Whenever I read this type of thing I ask the question "What created this monster who would kill a girl because he didn't like her?"
It seems perhaps I am the only one asking this question. It seems so at least as far as the media is concerned. The media seems quite content to ignore this question. And their silence implies that these two boys are monstrous freaks of nature. They spring out of nowhere and nothing,and sit in our minds in monster-land, along with all the other freaks of nature we hear about all day long over the news. We hear about them, give a gasp of shock, and then dismiss them. They are not related to us- and so nothing we can impact.
There are many people we put in this category...mothers who murder their two year old daughters and put stickers on their taped up mouths, young men and boys who open fire on their very classmates and teachers, family men who murder their own beloved wives and children for reasons unexplored.
I am not blaming the media. After all, they are just a reflection of the greater society. They write what we want to read. And apparently we are not asking the right questions for them to answer.
But as a person who studies the science of being (ontology) I have to ponder...Isn't it odd how many monsters and freaks of nature we are producing these days. Can they all truly be springing from nowhere and out of nothing?
There are many things that go into the creation of a human being. If I were a psychologist I'm sure that I could enumerate them. But I am not. However I think any layman, and even the experts of the world would say that a person's past experience plays a huge part of the creation of that person. Certainly any prison psychologist would say it.
Not quite so common-knowledge, but equally recognized in the world of mental health and addiction is the role that alcohol and drugs plays in the acts of violence that we see in the world. Interestingly, we see the acts of violence in the news day in and day out, some monstrous, some becoming almost commonplace- but we hear little about the role that alcohol and drugs plays in this violence.
We may hear something in passing such as "By the way, the woman whose head was bashed in with a brick after being raped by several men at 3am behind her house happened to be very drunk coming out of a keg party." Now if we look close and read between the lines, we can also assume the same of her her attackers. We can only assume this, of course, because no one makes a connection.
So why don't we hear about the two critical factors of past experience and substance use when we hear about the monsters and freaks in our world?
In my considered opinion, these might just be THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS in the creation of monsters in our world. I am clear there are diligent, hard-working scholarly people investigating these factors, doing research and writing books that then sit in a dusty college library, or on some website somewhere. These same people live in eternal hope that somehow, someway, the mass populace might actually hear and act upon their well-studied findings. But we don't hear them. And so they sit.
And the terrible tragedy is that these two factors of past experiences and substance use are factors that CAN BE IMPACTED by us. Our own behavior and what we do to others is changeable. And we have therapy and counseling and healing arts to help people whose minds go far awry after traumatic experience. In addition our own consumption of alcohol and drugs as a society is something that we CAN CHANGE.
Now I don't say any of this is easy. I acknowledge that it is very, very difficult to impact these factors. Which is perhaps why we don't talk about it. It is much easier to dismiss people as freaks, than to actually shift and change them.
However this is a time in history when we, like the million dollar man, "Have the technology." We can rebuild people, before they commit atrocities. And I for one demand that we do it. I demand that we no longer take the easy road, while two-year olds are stuffed into garbage bags by their mothers, who are reported in tabloids months later as having gone partying at the club the night after. And we hardly question how that relates.
I for one will no longer tolerate ignorance in the matter of the violence in our world. I will no longer tolerate that we not make the connection repeatedly IN THE PUBLIC EYE of violence to substance abuse and to people's past experiences. Both of these are inter-related, I am sure. So I am a demand to know, and to see a connection, so that we can start the long road to impact change.
Who are the Zarate Brothers? What has happened to them in their lives that might cause such a schism in character? And what kind of alcohol or drugs have they taken, regularly or irregularly, that might impact their thinking to allow such a loss of all human conscience and feeling?
If you have any thoughts on how we can get these questions and others like them answered and put powerfully in the public eye, please respond to this post or email me using the address on my blog.
Whenever I read this type of thing I ask the question "What created this monster who would kill a girl because he didn't like her?"
It seems perhaps I am the only one asking this question. It seems so at least as far as the media is concerned. The media seems quite content to ignore this question. And their silence implies that these two boys are monstrous freaks of nature. They spring out of nowhere and nothing,and sit in our minds in monster-land, along with all the other freaks of nature we hear about all day long over the news. We hear about them, give a gasp of shock, and then dismiss them. They are not related to us- and so nothing we can impact.
There are many people we put in this category...mothers who murder their two year old daughters and put stickers on their taped up mouths, young men and boys who open fire on their very classmates and teachers, family men who murder their own beloved wives and children for reasons unexplored.
I am not blaming the media. After all, they are just a reflection of the greater society. They write what we want to read. And apparently we are not asking the right questions for them to answer.
But as a person who studies the science of being (ontology) I have to ponder...Isn't it odd how many monsters and freaks of nature we are producing these days. Can they all truly be springing from nowhere and out of nothing?
There are many things that go into the creation of a human being. If I were a psychologist I'm sure that I could enumerate them. But I am not. However I think any layman, and even the experts of the world would say that a person's past experience plays a huge part of the creation of that person. Certainly any prison psychologist would say it.
Not quite so common-knowledge, but equally recognized in the world of mental health and addiction is the role that alcohol and drugs plays in the acts of violence that we see in the world. Interestingly, we see the acts of violence in the news day in and day out, some monstrous, some becoming almost commonplace- but we hear little about the role that alcohol and drugs plays in this violence.
We may hear something in passing such as "By the way, the woman whose head was bashed in with a brick after being raped by several men at 3am behind her house happened to be very drunk coming out of a keg party." Now if we look close and read between the lines, we can also assume the same of her her attackers. We can only assume this, of course, because no one makes a connection.
So why don't we hear about the two critical factors of past experience and substance use when we hear about the monsters and freaks in our world?
In my considered opinion, these might just be THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS in the creation of monsters in our world. I am clear there are diligent, hard-working scholarly people investigating these factors, doing research and writing books that then sit in a dusty college library, or on some website somewhere. These same people live in eternal hope that somehow, someway, the mass populace might actually hear and act upon their well-studied findings. But we don't hear them. And so they sit.
And the terrible tragedy is that these two factors of past experiences and substance use are factors that CAN BE IMPACTED by us. Our own behavior and what we do to others is changeable. And we have therapy and counseling and healing arts to help people whose minds go far awry after traumatic experience. In addition our own consumption of alcohol and drugs as a society is something that we CAN CHANGE.
Now I don't say any of this is easy. I acknowledge that it is very, very difficult to impact these factors. Which is perhaps why we don't talk about it. It is much easier to dismiss people as freaks, than to actually shift and change them.
However this is a time in history when we, like the million dollar man, "Have the technology." We can rebuild people, before they commit atrocities. And I for one demand that we do it. I demand that we no longer take the easy road, while two-year olds are stuffed into garbage bags by their mothers, who are reported in tabloids months later as having gone partying at the club the night after. And we hardly question how that relates.
I for one will no longer tolerate ignorance in the matter of the violence in our world. I will no longer tolerate that we not make the connection repeatedly IN THE PUBLIC EYE of violence to substance abuse and to people's past experiences. Both of these are inter-related, I am sure. So I am a demand to know, and to see a connection, so that we can start the long road to impact change.
Who are the Zarate Brothers? What has happened to them in their lives that might cause such a schism in character? And what kind of alcohol or drugs have they taken, regularly or irregularly, that might impact their thinking to allow such a loss of all human conscience and feeling?
If you have any thoughts on how we can get these questions and others like them answered and put powerfully in the public eye, please respond to this post or email me using the address on my blog.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
What is a Second Hand Addict- And Am I One?
The term Second Hand Addict in its most narrow use refers to anyone who is close to a person who has an alcohol, drug, or other addictive problem. And the sad fact is that those who live around the severe dysfunction of an addicted person are drastically and negatively affected by that person. They are, in effect, inhaling the toxic smoke of another person’s dysfunction, and so becoming very sick themselves. Usually these people are the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, close friends, or coworkers of addicted people. The treatment community often calls such a person codependent, and we will talk about why this is a problem in a minute.
The term Second Hand Addict in its broadest use can refer to anyone who has been adversely affected by an addict, or addict-like personality- knowingly or unknowingly. With this usage we can begin to see that all of society is inhaling the toxic smoke of substance abuse and addictions: from the girl walking down the street who gets her purse stolen for money to buy drugs, to the rape victim whose abuser has lost all human feeling from overuse of alcohol or drugs, to the baby who is left in a trash can by her heroine addicted mother, to the child who is killed in the street by a drunk driver etc, etc, etc. With this usage we can begin to see that we are all Second Hand Addicts because we live with and feel the effects of similar atrocities all around us daily…And tragically we often don’t connect them to the abuse of substances, or to addiction.
So the problem goes on and on with no relief in sight for people or society. We might call this a society-wide blindness and denial of the most insidious type.
But I want to put this thought aside for a moment, and go back to the first usage of the term Second Hand Addict. These are people who are closest to the addict and so affected over and over again by the deadly smoke they give off. We will do this remembering that addicts are often good people at heart, who are in the grip of something that seems unshakeable. Addicted brains are malfunctioning and the people with the brains have become very sick. We will make no condemnation or judgment of such people, recalling that many of us use alcohol and drugs in a manner could easily lead to the same sick behavior, and it is just dumb blind luck that we are not sick. (For some people as little as a few drinks a week will lead to a severe problem with alcohol down the line.)
So back to the purpose at hand. The question we are looking at is this “Am I a Second Hand Addict?”
There are two primary ways you can determine the answer. Number one is through the behavior of the addict. Number two is through your own behavior. I will attempt to address both so you can get a fuller picture.
An addicted person will often hide his alcohol, drugs, or gambling from others. He or she will not want anyone to know the full extent of his usage. A Second Hand Addict will try to catch him or her in the lie, looking for empty beer cans, pill bottles, syringes, or the mortgage bill to see if the rent money was spent at the crap table. An addict will often verbally, emotionally, or even physically attack those closest to him or her. A Second Hand Addict will defend him or herself a lot. He or she will spend a lot of time trying to figure out how ‘not to upset’ his or her loved one- a futile effort because addicts look for reasons to pick fights. An addict will call names or otherwise put down his or her loved ones, causing the Second Hand Addict to feel there is something wrong with him, and to try to fix it.
A Second Hand Addict will take care of the addict, the house, the job, and anyone else around her- but seldom attend to his or her own needs. The addict, anesthetized and immobilized by alcohol or drugs, will leave more and more of the work up to everyone else. The addict will of course call everyone else around him lazy, and those around him will defend themselves- making it sound all the more true.
Here are some other characteristics of Second Hand Addicts that emerge inside of being around the various characteristics of the addicted personality. Second Hand Addicts often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. They put others above themselves to a dangerous degree. Second Hand Addicts have difficulty making decisions. They may judge themselves harshly. They avoid recognition, praise, and gifts. They think their needs and wants are unimportant. They usually value others' approval over their own, and do not see themselves as loveable or worthwhile.
Second Hand Addicts often compromise their own values and integrity to appease other people. They may be oversensitive to how others are feeling, and most of them take on the feelings of others. They are extremely loyal, and often remain in harmful situations too long. (Which is why addicts choose them.) Second Hand Addicts often value others' opinions and feelings more than their own. They may put aside their own interests and hobbies in order to do what other people want. They often accept sex, when what they really want is love.
As you might be able to see Second Hand Addiction (or Codependency) is really a disease of self esteem. This makes perfect sense as the behavior of an addict will typically destroy self esteem in those closest to him. Some people come into a relationship with an addict with some of these characteristics. Others develop them as a result of the toxic smoke of addiction that they inhale.
Recovering from this affliction involves a journey back to the self, learn to love and value yourself, warts and all.
Of course no-one wants to see him or herself as having these characteristics, so you will have to be brutally honest with yourself to see if the term Second Hand Addict applies to you. The denial for this sickness is strong, so you will need to look at the actuality of how you interact with others and what you actually say and do- not how you like to think of yourself. You can also read some more of my blog entries to hear more examples in practicality. I have successfully made the journey from Second Hand Addict to Self Love, and so may be able to light your way. Remember not to look for all of the characteristics. A fair amount will do fine to tell you if you are a Second Hand Addict.
If you think that you are, then you want to do something about it. Go to an addictions therapist, to Alanon (for those who have alcoholics in their lives) to Nar-anon (for those who have drug addicts in their lives) or to the all-encompassing Codependents Anonymous (for those who are simply codependent, and know it.)
I am saying to do this, and to do it quick. People who live around addicts often die sooner than the addict due to the high stress and a lessened desire to live. Even if this does not happen to you, there is one more question to think about.
You only have one life. Wouldn’t it tragic to live it all never knowing the one person most important to you… yourself.
The term Second Hand Addict in its broadest use can refer to anyone who has been adversely affected by an addict, or addict-like personality- knowingly or unknowingly. With this usage we can begin to see that all of society is inhaling the toxic smoke of substance abuse and addictions: from the girl walking down the street who gets her purse stolen for money to buy drugs, to the rape victim whose abuser has lost all human feeling from overuse of alcohol or drugs, to the baby who is left in a trash can by her heroine addicted mother, to the child who is killed in the street by a drunk driver etc, etc, etc. With this usage we can begin to see that we are all Second Hand Addicts because we live with and feel the effects of similar atrocities all around us daily…And tragically we often don’t connect them to the abuse of substances, or to addiction.
So the problem goes on and on with no relief in sight for people or society. We might call this a society-wide blindness and denial of the most insidious type.
But I want to put this thought aside for a moment, and go back to the first usage of the term Second Hand Addict. These are people who are closest to the addict and so affected over and over again by the deadly smoke they give off. We will do this remembering that addicts are often good people at heart, who are in the grip of something that seems unshakeable. Addicted brains are malfunctioning and the people with the brains have become very sick. We will make no condemnation or judgment of such people, recalling that many of us use alcohol and drugs in a manner could easily lead to the same sick behavior, and it is just dumb blind luck that we are not sick. (For some people as little as a few drinks a week will lead to a severe problem with alcohol down the line.)
So back to the purpose at hand. The question we are looking at is this “Am I a Second Hand Addict?”
There are two primary ways you can determine the answer. Number one is through the behavior of the addict. Number two is through your own behavior. I will attempt to address both so you can get a fuller picture.
An addicted person will often hide his alcohol, drugs, or gambling from others. He or she will not want anyone to know the full extent of his usage. A Second Hand Addict will try to catch him or her in the lie, looking for empty beer cans, pill bottles, syringes, or the mortgage bill to see if the rent money was spent at the crap table. An addict will often verbally, emotionally, or even physically attack those closest to him or her. A Second Hand Addict will defend him or herself a lot. He or she will spend a lot of time trying to figure out how ‘not to upset’ his or her loved one- a futile effort because addicts look for reasons to pick fights. An addict will call names or otherwise put down his or her loved ones, causing the Second Hand Addict to feel there is something wrong with him, and to try to fix it.
A Second Hand Addict will take care of the addict, the house, the job, and anyone else around her- but seldom attend to his or her own needs. The addict, anesthetized and immobilized by alcohol or drugs, will leave more and more of the work up to everyone else. The addict will of course call everyone else around him lazy, and those around him will defend themselves- making it sound all the more true.
Here are some other characteristics of Second Hand Addicts that emerge inside of being around the various characteristics of the addicted personality. Second Hand Addicts often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. They put others above themselves to a dangerous degree. Second Hand Addicts have difficulty making decisions. They may judge themselves harshly. They avoid recognition, praise, and gifts. They think their needs and wants are unimportant. They usually value others' approval over their own, and do not see themselves as loveable or worthwhile.
Second Hand Addicts often compromise their own values and integrity to appease other people. They may be oversensitive to how others are feeling, and most of them take on the feelings of others. They are extremely loyal, and often remain in harmful situations too long. (Which is why addicts choose them.) Second Hand Addicts often value others' opinions and feelings more than their own. They may put aside their own interests and hobbies in order to do what other people want. They often accept sex, when what they really want is love.
As you might be able to see Second Hand Addiction (or Codependency) is really a disease of self esteem. This makes perfect sense as the behavior of an addict will typically destroy self esteem in those closest to him. Some people come into a relationship with an addict with some of these characteristics. Others develop them as a result of the toxic smoke of addiction that they inhale.
Recovering from this affliction involves a journey back to the self, learn to love and value yourself, warts and all.
Of course no-one wants to see him or herself as having these characteristics, so you will have to be brutally honest with yourself to see if the term Second Hand Addict applies to you. The denial for this sickness is strong, so you will need to look at the actuality of how you interact with others and what you actually say and do- not how you like to think of yourself. You can also read some more of my blog entries to hear more examples in practicality. I have successfully made the journey from Second Hand Addict to Self Love, and so may be able to light your way. Remember not to look for all of the characteristics. A fair amount will do fine to tell you if you are a Second Hand Addict.
If you think that you are, then you want to do something about it. Go to an addictions therapist, to Alanon (for those who have alcoholics in their lives) to Nar-anon (for those who have drug addicts in their lives) or to the all-encompassing Codependents Anonymous (for those who are simply codependent, and know it.)
I am saying to do this, and to do it quick. People who live around addicts often die sooner than the addict due to the high stress and a lessened desire to live. Even if this does not happen to you, there is one more question to think about.
You only have one life. Wouldn’t it tragic to live it all never knowing the one person most important to you… yourself.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Russian Roulette- A Click Away from Addiction
At approximately 6:00 pm on Tuesday the 28th of April I was called out of work by the EMT
squad to pick up my children from my ex-husband Dave's care. Dave had had a severe seizure in the parking lot of Stop and Shop as a result of his attempts to detoxify from alcohol with no supervision. There were plenty of witnesses, 4 EMTs, 3 bystanders, one who works at the middle school. He had been drying out so that he could see his children. I came to the scene and found him covered in blood, surrounded by pools of red on the concrete where his face had smashed down. A mangled nose and forehead had taken the full force of the fall from his 5'11" height.
Meanwhile his children, ages 14, 12, and 11 had seen the seizure in its entirety. By all accounts, it was a sight that would make a strong adult cringe. They were visibly shaken. I thought to myself, 'tomorrow I will try to undo the damage of seeing such a sight- but I am not sure it is possible.' I took the younger two to their aunts, but the older one would not leave his dad's side. We picked up Dave's mom and spent three hours in the hospital, where I could not convince this 80+ year old woman to leave her youngest son.
Sadly, my oldest son had grown up well beyond his years in those moments. In the car, he put all attention on brother and sister. Later it was on grandmom, and dad. I thought to myself, 'he will hold out to have his own meltdown until tomorrow morning, when he will come to me too exhausted to go school.' He lay awake in his bed that night- reliving the scene again and again in his mind. Then he came to me in the morning. Everything was predictable. It always is with Codependency. I was reliving the scene myself at 1:18 in the morning. You don't stop loving someone, even though you divorce them. And you never get cured from Codependency, Second Hand Addiction, and the disease of caring for others more than for yourself.
This scene strikes at the core of what I call Second Hand Addiction. An ex wife goes with her ex husband to the hospital. A frail, elderly mother stays by her son's side all night long so that he won't leave the hospital when he wakes up. She actually causes him to leave prematurely because she is his only way out. He has no money, no keys, no equilibrium. But she will walk him out and take him home, out of her love for him. Then we have a son who has to grow up quick. He is witness to such scenes over and again. But still he won't leave the bedside because he has seen the best of his father, and loves that best. Mom has seen this too, and ex-wife. And so they are all stuck.
I knew that night that the thing you do for an addict in order to help him is not to help him. But I went to the hospital and stayed too long anyway. Then I spent two days trying to heal the heartbreak. Then I spent another week trying to keep Dave from driving his children. He was determined to drive them, seizures or no seizures. His alcoholic brain is so altered from constant use that he does not see that his very love and need to see his children could kill them. Then in Dave's eyes I became his enemy. And so I spent another week getting nasty emails and phone messages, trying to talk sanity into his craziness. My daughter, God bless her for a maturity well beyond her years, then sacrificed her school vocal concert. She loves to sing more than anything- but mom was working and she knew if she told dad he would drive them over to the school. She also knew that if I got someone else to drive her, he would fight with that person, and then drive them over to the school. The only answer was not to tell him. And so he sat all night in sweet oblivion, not knowing the pain he had just caused his beloved only daughter, and wondering why she was melancholy.
And I tell you truly that I know the heart and soul of Dave, and it is a good one.
Think of the person that you love and admire the most and then picture them doing the types of things that Dave does. The picture does not add up. So it is with those of us who love an addict. The picture does not add up to the person we know is there. We try to hate them- but we can't. We know who they are and it just doesn't make any sense.
There is no real cure for addiction. There is no real cure for substance abuse. The best we can hope to do is get them off the drug. Then we have to pray that they stay off of it. If we can get addicted people off the drug, and if they can stay off it, then they can become some of our greatest role models for living. But the trick is to get them off and keep them off long enough to get them thinking straight. And that's one heck of a trick .
There is no real cure for addiction.
An addict in recovery will always wonder if he or she will fall into that deep dark hole again. If he does, he will take his loved ones with him, because there is no real cure for what they have either. So an addict's life will have to be pristine. No guilt, no shame, no malice, no resentments. Any of these could cause a relapse. Hence a successful recovering addict is a role model. Because he knows he can't fall like the rest of us. He doesn't have the luxury of falling.
It has been said that drinking and drugging is like holding a loaded gun up to your head, playing Russian Roulette. The lone bullet in the gun is marked 'addiction-a lifetime of heartache for you and everyone around you.' We play and play and play that game, a society of risk-takers. And a lot of people get shot.
Personally, I don't drink anymore. I never thought much of gambling with my life.
squad to pick up my children from my ex-husband Dave's care. Dave had had a severe seizure in the parking lot of Stop and Shop as a result of his attempts to detoxify from alcohol with no supervision. There were plenty of witnesses, 4 EMTs, 3 bystanders, one who works at the middle school. He had been drying out so that he could see his children. I came to the scene and found him covered in blood, surrounded by pools of red on the concrete where his face had smashed down. A mangled nose and forehead had taken the full force of the fall from his 5'11" height.
Meanwhile his children, ages 14, 12, and 11 had seen the seizure in its entirety. By all accounts, it was a sight that would make a strong adult cringe. They were visibly shaken. I thought to myself, 'tomorrow I will try to undo the damage of seeing such a sight- but I am not sure it is possible.' I took the younger two to their aunts, but the older one would not leave his dad's side. We picked up Dave's mom and spent three hours in the hospital, where I could not convince this 80+ year old woman to leave her youngest son.
Sadly, my oldest son had grown up well beyond his years in those moments. In the car, he put all attention on brother and sister. Later it was on grandmom, and dad. I thought to myself, 'he will hold out to have his own meltdown until tomorrow morning, when he will come to me too exhausted to go school.' He lay awake in his bed that night- reliving the scene again and again in his mind. Then he came to me in the morning. Everything was predictable. It always is with Codependency. I was reliving the scene myself at 1:18 in the morning. You don't stop loving someone, even though you divorce them. And you never get cured from Codependency, Second Hand Addiction, and the disease of caring for others more than for yourself.
This scene strikes at the core of what I call Second Hand Addiction. An ex wife goes with her ex husband to the hospital. A frail, elderly mother stays by her son's side all night long so that he won't leave the hospital when he wakes up. She actually causes him to leave prematurely because she is his only way out. He has no money, no keys, no equilibrium. But she will walk him out and take him home, out of her love for him. Then we have a son who has to grow up quick. He is witness to such scenes over and again. But still he won't leave the bedside because he has seen the best of his father, and loves that best. Mom has seen this too, and ex-wife. And so they are all stuck.
I knew that night that the thing you do for an addict in order to help him is not to help him. But I went to the hospital and stayed too long anyway. Then I spent two days trying to heal the heartbreak. Then I spent another week trying to keep Dave from driving his children. He was determined to drive them, seizures or no seizures. His alcoholic brain is so altered from constant use that he does not see that his very love and need to see his children could kill them. Then in Dave's eyes I became his enemy. And so I spent another week getting nasty emails and phone messages, trying to talk sanity into his craziness. My daughter, God bless her for a maturity well beyond her years, then sacrificed her school vocal concert. She loves to sing more than anything- but mom was working and she knew if she told dad he would drive them over to the school. She also knew that if I got someone else to drive her, he would fight with that person, and then drive them over to the school. The only answer was not to tell him. And so he sat all night in sweet oblivion, not knowing the pain he had just caused his beloved only daughter, and wondering why she was melancholy.
And I tell you truly that I know the heart and soul of Dave, and it is a good one.
Think of the person that you love and admire the most and then picture them doing the types of things that Dave does. The picture does not add up. So it is with those of us who love an addict. The picture does not add up to the person we know is there. We try to hate them- but we can't. We know who they are and it just doesn't make any sense.
There is no real cure for addiction. There is no real cure for substance abuse. The best we can hope to do is get them off the drug. Then we have to pray that they stay off of it. If we can get addicted people off the drug, and if they can stay off it, then they can become some of our greatest role models for living. But the trick is to get them off and keep them off long enough to get them thinking straight. And that's one heck of a trick .
There is no real cure for addiction.
An addict in recovery will always wonder if he or she will fall into that deep dark hole again. If he does, he will take his loved ones with him, because there is no real cure for what they have either. So an addict's life will have to be pristine. No guilt, no shame, no malice, no resentments. Any of these could cause a relapse. Hence a successful recovering addict is a role model. Because he knows he can't fall like the rest of us. He doesn't have the luxury of falling.
It has been said that drinking and drugging is like holding a loaded gun up to your head, playing Russian Roulette. The lone bullet in the gun is marked 'addiction-a lifetime of heartache for you and everyone around you.' We play and play and play that game, a society of risk-takers. And a lot of people get shot.
Personally, I don't drink anymore. I never thought much of gambling with my life.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Light at The End of The Tunnel
A good friend of mine read a couple of entries on my blog for the first time today. After reading he remarked "It's kinda depressing... Isn't there any light at the end of the tunnel?"
All day I pondered his remarks. Addiction is not a pretty subject. It is hard to address as a writer in a way that is uplifting and provides some hope. Of course light is what I strive for- but I am sure I don't always hit the mark.
So today my friend's remarks were on my mind.
Also on my mind as the current turmoil with my ex husband. This time it had to do with a custody battle. Although my children reside with me, Dave has retained joint custody, and the legal rights to see his children. If you've been following my blog, you might realize that this is no longer a good idea. And so although I have no money, I filed a motion for custody. I was determined to make a stand for my children, and would rely on the justice of the legal system. What I wanted was for Dave to be evaluated for a substance abuse problem, and his custody/parenting time adjusted until he had control of his problem.
What came back at me in a counter-motion from his lawyer yesterday was a long slew of allegations. There were partial truths, half-truths, and untruths- with a good slice of politician-like spin. All were designed to make it look like I was the one who was the 'bad' parent.
So this was on my mind today as I thought about the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel.' I began to wonder,in all of the work that I have done, where have I come from and where have I gotten to.
As I pondered, I thought about the time period 16 years ago, being a young mother and not knowing I was living with someone else's addiction. In those days I had no self esteem, and I only got my sense of self from my husband Dave. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have believed every word Dave of them. I would have blamed myself, and become deeply depressed. After all, these allegations hit me in my most vulnerable spot, my deep desire was to be a good mother. Considering all of this, I'm not sure I would have even survived the experience.
I thought some more and stopped at 11 years ago. I was still a young mother. I was attending my very first Alanon meetings. I was learning about addiction and trying to seperate myself from Dave. In the process, I was grasping for shreds of self-esteem that came from within myself. I had some support in those days from my friends in Alanon. So if Dave's accusations had hit me then, I probably would have spent a week on the phone with people. Those people would be trying to make me see that everything was not all my fault, and I would be having a hard time grsping the thought
I thought more about where I came from and where I got to. It was now 9 years ago. I was in three 12-step programs including Codependents Anonymous. I was also in group therapy. I had learned a lot about the sickness of addiction. I had gained many miles in self esteem. But I was now angry at how Dave had treated me all of those years. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have met them with venom and spite. That venom and spite, though it might have been fulfilling in the moment, would have eaten me alive. (Resentment is akin to taking poison and hoping someone else gets sick.) In those days I was full of that self-killing poison of resentment.
In pondered some more and now it was 5 years ago. In those days I had a new tool called Landmark Education under my belt. I went to a lot of courses and classes to shift myself. In so-doing I had given up my anger and spite. I had a strong sense of self now. I knew that a sickness caused Dave to act as he did. So I maintained my calm while also and standing up for myself and my children. But deep down I clung to a desperate hope that Dave would cure himself. All of the work I did on myself in those days was aimed at trying to get Dave sober.
Meanwhile, Dave was on a seesaw, in a constant flux between drinking and not drinking. With him I 'started fresh' over and again. The more time Dave spent on his never-ending see-saw- the more work I did to keep my self centered. Had these allegations come at me in those days, I would have looked to see what my part was and cleaned it up. It would be a long drawn out process of self-reflection that took up huge amounts of my time and energy, and Dave himself would never have been held accountable.
And so now it is today. The year 2009. I have many years of experience in Landmark Education. I have support groups amd therapy available when I need them. Sometimes I use them. Sometimes I take time off. I live in moderation these days.
Dave and I are divorced. I still care about him, but from a distance. Now when hurtful words come at me, I can truly detach. I can tell my children, 'it is the disease, and not your father.' If Dave's words are abusive or scary, I leave and take my children with me. I am not afraid to call the police- but I bear Dave no personal malice.
Today when these accusations hit me, I feel the sadness. I even feel the injustice. I call a few people on the phone. I speak with them and get centered. I realize that most of Dave's words are smoke. There is no real fire. For any shreds of truth that exist, I know I can shift how I operate in the future. I also see that I am human. No judge will expect me to be perfect. I know I am a good mother and a good person, and so I have no fear of the outcome.
As for the court motion, today I know exactly what to do. During the week I will move forward on all that I have to do. As usual, I will focus on work, home, health, children. I will not stop the action. I will not dwell in fear. In addition, I will make a game plan and find a lawyer who is willing to give me some feedback. I will give no credence to negative thoughts that may enter my head. I will not entertain worries about things that I cannot control.
In addition, I will walk into the courtroom well-dressed and groomed. I will tell the judge the truth. I will tell it without venom, or spite. I will tell it without anger or fear. I will tell it while also knowing my value and worth. I will tell it with true humility. I will not look to hurt Dave. I will even have compassion. I will remember that Dave is only acting-out his own terror, fear, and misery.
And in conclusion, I will walk out of that courtroom with a court order for Dave to be evaluated.
And that my friends is the light at the end of the tunnel. My own personal victory- but one that is truly accessible to everyone. Because if I can get to such a place of health and sanity- anyone can get there.
All day I pondered his remarks. Addiction is not a pretty subject. It is hard to address as a writer in a way that is uplifting and provides some hope. Of course light is what I strive for- but I am sure I don't always hit the mark.
So today my friend's remarks were on my mind.
Also on my mind as the current turmoil with my ex husband. This time it had to do with a custody battle. Although my children reside with me, Dave has retained joint custody, and the legal rights to see his children. If you've been following my blog, you might realize that this is no longer a good idea. And so although I have no money, I filed a motion for custody. I was determined to make a stand for my children, and would rely on the justice of the legal system. What I wanted was for Dave to be evaluated for a substance abuse problem, and his custody/parenting time adjusted until he had control of his problem.
What came back at me in a counter-motion from his lawyer yesterday was a long slew of allegations. There were partial truths, half-truths, and untruths- with a good slice of politician-like spin. All were designed to make it look like I was the one who was the 'bad' parent.
So this was on my mind today as I thought about the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel.' I began to wonder,in all of the work that I have done, where have I come from and where have I gotten to.
As I pondered, I thought about the time period 16 years ago, being a young mother and not knowing I was living with someone else's addiction. In those days I had no self esteem, and I only got my sense of self from my husband Dave. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have believed every word Dave of them. I would have blamed myself, and become deeply depressed. After all, these allegations hit me in my most vulnerable spot, my deep desire was to be a good mother. Considering all of this, I'm not sure I would have even survived the experience.
I thought some more and stopped at 11 years ago. I was still a young mother. I was attending my very first Alanon meetings. I was learning about addiction and trying to seperate myself from Dave. In the process, I was grasping for shreds of self-esteem that came from within myself. I had some support in those days from my friends in Alanon. So if Dave's accusations had hit me then, I probably would have spent a week on the phone with people. Those people would be trying to make me see that everything was not all my fault, and I would be having a hard time grsping the thought
I thought more about where I came from and where I got to. It was now 9 years ago. I was in three 12-step programs including Codependents Anonymous. I was also in group therapy. I had learned a lot about the sickness of addiction. I had gained many miles in self esteem. But I was now angry at how Dave had treated me all of those years. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have met them with venom and spite. That venom and spite, though it might have been fulfilling in the moment, would have eaten me alive. (Resentment is akin to taking poison and hoping someone else gets sick.) In those days I was full of that self-killing poison of resentment.
In pondered some more and now it was 5 years ago. In those days I had a new tool called Landmark Education under my belt. I went to a lot of courses and classes to shift myself. In so-doing I had given up my anger and spite. I had a strong sense of self now. I knew that a sickness caused Dave to act as he did. So I maintained my calm while also and standing up for myself and my children. But deep down I clung to a desperate hope that Dave would cure himself. All of the work I did on myself in those days was aimed at trying to get Dave sober.
Meanwhile, Dave was on a seesaw, in a constant flux between drinking and not drinking. With him I 'started fresh' over and again. The more time Dave spent on his never-ending see-saw- the more work I did to keep my self centered. Had these allegations come at me in those days, I would have looked to see what my part was and cleaned it up. It would be a long drawn out process of self-reflection that took up huge amounts of my time and energy, and Dave himself would never have been held accountable.
And so now it is today. The year 2009. I have many years of experience in Landmark Education. I have support groups amd therapy available when I need them. Sometimes I use them. Sometimes I take time off. I live in moderation these days.
Dave and I are divorced. I still care about him, but from a distance. Now when hurtful words come at me, I can truly detach. I can tell my children, 'it is the disease, and not your father.' If Dave's words are abusive or scary, I leave and take my children with me. I am not afraid to call the police- but I bear Dave no personal malice.
Today when these accusations hit me, I feel the sadness. I even feel the injustice. I call a few people on the phone. I speak with them and get centered. I realize that most of Dave's words are smoke. There is no real fire. For any shreds of truth that exist, I know I can shift how I operate in the future. I also see that I am human. No judge will expect me to be perfect. I know I am a good mother and a good person, and so I have no fear of the outcome.
As for the court motion, today I know exactly what to do. During the week I will move forward on all that I have to do. As usual, I will focus on work, home, health, children. I will not stop the action. I will not dwell in fear. In addition, I will make a game plan and find a lawyer who is willing to give me some feedback. I will give no credence to negative thoughts that may enter my head. I will not entertain worries about things that I cannot control.
In addition, I will walk into the courtroom well-dressed and groomed. I will tell the judge the truth. I will tell it without venom, or spite. I will tell it without anger or fear. I will tell it while also knowing my value and worth. I will tell it with true humility. I will not look to hurt Dave. I will even have compassion. I will remember that Dave is only acting-out his own terror, fear, and misery.
And in conclusion, I will walk out of that courtroom with a court order for Dave to be evaluated.
And that my friends is the light at the end of the tunnel. My own personal victory- but one that is truly accessible to everyone. Because if I can get to such a place of health and sanity- anyone can get there.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Second Hand Addiction- Exactly What Do You mean?
Today I went to pick up my three children from their father's house. It was Super Bowl Sunday, 10 minutes before the game, and I was picking up my children early because Dave was drunk again.
Their dad was not in his right mind and not happy at the early termination of his super bowl party. He called me several swear words in his loudest voice, screamed at me to get out of his house, and hovered over me, threatening to hit me. Clearly I am a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
Dave's mother was there, a quiet refined woman of class. Soon she found herself pleading with her 44 year old son to let her grandson go and to stop
calling her former daughter-in-law filthy names. Clearly this peaceful soul is a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
My children were there- ages 14, 12, and 10. They heard the threats and verbal assaults. My middle boy was being held forcibly on his dad's lap. How would this and other such events imprint on their growing brains? How would it affect their lives as adults? How would the constant onslaught of such negative role modeling affect their parenting? Then too,how would this parenting affect their children someday? Clearly these three, and all of their children to come, are secondhand addicts- Innocent people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
As I left the house I called my former brother-in-law. I was afraid that when I left Dave would turn his uncontrollable rage on his 80 year old mother. Now my brother and sister-in-law were missing the super bowl to take care of their mother. They are disliking their brother a lot these days. You can't blame them but it eats away at the soul. Clearly they and their brothers and sisters are all secondhand addicts- innocent people drastically affected by someone else's drinking.
Dave has no job these days, having lost his when he could no longer function to do his work. So we can now add his abandoned boss to the list of secondhand addicts- not as drastically affected, but affected none-the-less.
Now we can move away from Dave and multiply all of these 20 or so people by the millions of addicted people in the world to account for all of their relatives, employers, and close friends.
Can we begin to get a feel for how many second hand addicts there are in the world?
But wait, our list is not through yet. We now need to add all of the people who have died at the hands of a drunk driver. And we need to add in all of their bereaved families and friends. So the list gets longer. And we need to add all of the people who have ever gotten mugged, physically assaulted, or even murdered by someone who was high or who needed money to get high. And we need to add in the family and friends who sat outside of the Intensive Care Unit as they waited to see if their assaulted loved ones would make it. They are second hand addicts- people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
And they don't even know it.
And the list gets longer.
But our list is still not even through yet. Many of our addicted citizens find their way to homelessness at some point. So we need to add to our list of secondhand addicts all of the people who work at the disheartening task of helping them. And while we are at it we need to add the people who work at the hopeless task of trying to find work for addicted people- only to see their efforts fail again and again. They are all gravely affected by another person's addiction.
And we need to add the people who pay for all of these services, as well as those who pay for the jails stuffed full of addicted people. We need to add you the taxpayer to our list. For you are a secondhand addict, and you don't even know it.
This blog is designed to help those whose lives are drastically affected by someone else's addiction. And it is designed to send the message to each of us that we are all hugely affected by the addicted people who live among us, whether we know it or not.
And I am not sure exactly what we will do once we realize this. The answer is certainly not to shame and blame addicted people- which will only worsen the problem.
But I do know this...
In order to change something, you must first see it.
So I am here, along with my blog entries, to help you to see the problem.
So I invite you to read on.
Their dad was not in his right mind and not happy at the early termination of his super bowl party. He called me several swear words in his loudest voice, screamed at me to get out of his house, and hovered over me, threatening to hit me. Clearly I am a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
Dave's mother was there, a quiet refined woman of class. Soon she found herself pleading with her 44 year old son to let her grandson go and to stop
calling her former daughter-in-law filthy names. Clearly this peaceful soul is a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
My children were there- ages 14, 12, and 10. They heard the threats and verbal assaults. My middle boy was being held forcibly on his dad's lap. How would this and other such events imprint on their growing brains? How would it affect their lives as adults? How would the constant onslaught of such negative role modeling affect their parenting? Then too,how would this parenting affect their children someday? Clearly these three, and all of their children to come, are secondhand addicts- Innocent people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
As I left the house I called my former brother-in-law. I was afraid that when I left Dave would turn his uncontrollable rage on his 80 year old mother. Now my brother and sister-in-law were missing the super bowl to take care of their mother. They are disliking their brother a lot these days. You can't blame them but it eats away at the soul. Clearly they and their brothers and sisters are all secondhand addicts- innocent people drastically affected by someone else's drinking.
Dave has no job these days, having lost his when he could no longer function to do his work. So we can now add his abandoned boss to the list of secondhand addicts- not as drastically affected, but affected none-the-less.
Now we can move away from Dave and multiply all of these 20 or so people by the millions of addicted people in the world to account for all of their relatives, employers, and close friends.
Can we begin to get a feel for how many second hand addicts there are in the world?
But wait, our list is not through yet. We now need to add all of the people who have died at the hands of a drunk driver. And we need to add in all of their bereaved families and friends. So the list gets longer. And we need to add all of the people who have ever gotten mugged, physically assaulted, or even murdered by someone who was high or who needed money to get high. And we need to add in the family and friends who sat outside of the Intensive Care Unit as they waited to see if their assaulted loved ones would make it. They are second hand addicts- people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.
And they don't even know it.
And the list gets longer.
But our list is still not even through yet. Many of our addicted citizens find their way to homelessness at some point. So we need to add to our list of secondhand addicts all of the people who work at the disheartening task of helping them. And while we are at it we need to add the people who work at the hopeless task of trying to find work for addicted people- only to see their efforts fail again and again. They are all gravely affected by another person's addiction.
And we need to add the people who pay for all of these services, as well as those who pay for the jails stuffed full of addicted people. We need to add you the taxpayer to our list. For you are a secondhand addict, and you don't even know it.
This blog is designed to help those whose lives are drastically affected by someone else's addiction. And it is designed to send the message to each of us that we are all hugely affected by the addicted people who live among us, whether we know it or not.
And I am not sure exactly what we will do once we realize this. The answer is certainly not to shame and blame addicted people- which will only worsen the problem.
But I do know this...
In order to change something, you must first see it.
So I am here, along with my blog entries, to help you to see the problem.
So I invite you to read on.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
My Resume
As many people want to view my resume for speaking engagements, and as it takes up a lot of space on my side-bar, I am adding it here, with a corresponding link on the side-bar.
____________________________________________________________________________
LORELEI FENTON
loreleif@optonline.net
Objective
To use my education, management, training, development, writing, creative and/or technology skills toward a better, healthier world for people and businesses.
Skills and Expertise
Lorelei Enterprises, North Brunswick/ Belle Mead NJ
2007-current Owner
Created a multitude of blogs on the internet
Wrote and syndicated articles for the blogs to raise public awareness on issues
Promoted article publication on related sites
Affiliated products with blogs and drove traffic to purchase products
Bridgewater-Raritan Middle School/ Adamsville School, Bridgewater, NJ
2005 – 2007 4th grade self-contained, 6th Grade Language Arts
Created Lesson Plans as per School Curriculum
Followed a Routine and Schedule, to Achieve District Goals
Designed and Taught Various Classes as per Instructions
(Math, Science, Social Studies, Reading and Writing)
Assisted in School wide Extracurricular Activities
Arranged and Implemented Parent / Teacher Conferences
Managed the Daily Coming and Going of Students
Participated in Intervention Meetings between Parents and Schools
Carried out Administrative Duties for School
Designed Special Events and Secured Parental Participation
Salt Brook School, New Providence, NJ
2005 – 2007 Music Teacher- maternity Leave
Created Lesson Plans as per School Curriculum
Followed a Routine and Schedule, to Achieve District Goals
Designed and Taught Various Classes as per Instructions
Arranged and Implemented Parent / Teacher Conferences
Managed the Daily Coming and Going of Students
Carried out Administrative Duties for School
Montgomery Township School District, Pennington/Hopewell Township School District, Somerville Schools, Bridgewater-Raritan Regional School District
2003-2005 Substitute Teacher
Followed Teacher’s lesson plans
Utilized classroom management techniques
Adhered to district rules and regulations
Improvised lessons when plans were unavailable
Kids Music Round, Pennington
2000-2002 Music Teacher
Created “Mommy and Me” type music lessons that satisfied children and their parents
Improvised from lesson plans for fun and enjoyment
Created ongoing re-registration of children and their parents
Established high level of customer rapport with parents
Sold musical instruments
Worked on a team to share ideas and grow and develop the program
Frame It Art Gallery, Monmouth Junction, NJ
1989 – 1999 Owner/ Entrepreneur/ Corporate Art Consultant
Promoted New Products and Services
Processed Supply Orders and Maintained Inventory
Handled Incoming and Outgoing Calls
Managed Customers Complaints and Inquiries
Oversaw and Managed Employees Scheduling and Workload
Handled Accounts Payable and Receivable
Organized, Managed and Presented Art Shows
Consulted on Art Design and Presentation for Corporate Clients
Arranged and Implemented Publicity Events and Press Coverage
Designed and Presented Ideas to Clients
Education
University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Mass
· Bachelors in Theater 2004
The College of New Jersey, Ewing, NJ
· Masters in Elementary Education 2003
Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ
· Institute for New Mathematics Teachers
About Learning, Inc., Wauconda, Ill
· Certified in 4 Mat System of Learning Brain Based Learning
Certifications
New Jersey State Teacher Certification: Elementary Education: K-8, August 2003
Praxis: March, 2003 score 185
Additional Education
· Landmark Education, South Plainfield, NJ
2000-2008 Training in Leadership, Communication, and Self Expression
(Landmark is a member of: American Society for Training and Development, International Society for Performance Improvement,
American Management Association, and Academy of Management)
Additional Expertise
10 years of personal research and private training in addiction
Two-time coach of the 6 month Self Expression and Leadership Course (Landmark Education)
· Managed teams of participants in the course and conducted biweekly team and one-on-one coaching calls
· Oversaw development of a large-scale not-for-profit participant projects
· Propelled creation of long range goals, objectives, timelines, fulfillment
· Oversaw implementation of goals and adherence to timelines and structures
· Helped participants create breakthroughs in their personal/business lives
Skills
· Microsoft Office
· Word, Excel, Outlook, and PowerPoint, Publisher
· Good Written, Organizational and Oral Communication
Interests
· The Arts/Music
· Reading, Writing, Public Speaking
· Personal Growth and Development
· Global Growth and Development
References
Provided Upon Request.
____________________________________________________________________________
LORELEI FENTON
loreleif@optonline.net
Objective
To use my education, management, training, development, writing, creative and/or technology skills toward a better, healthier world for people and businesses.
Skills and Expertise
Lorelei Enterprises, North Brunswick/ Belle Mead NJ
2007-current Owner
Created a multitude of blogs on the internet
Wrote and syndicated articles for the blogs to raise public awareness on issues
Promoted article publication on related sites
Affiliated products with blogs and drove traffic to purchase products
Bridgewater-Raritan Middle School/ Adamsville School, Bridgewater, NJ
2005 – 2007 4th grade self-contained, 6th Grade Language Arts
Created Lesson Plans as per School Curriculum
Followed a Routine and Schedule, to Achieve District Goals
Designed and Taught Various Classes as per Instructions
(Math, Science, Social Studies, Reading and Writing)
Assisted in School wide Extracurricular Activities
Arranged and Implemented Parent / Teacher Conferences
Managed the Daily Coming and Going of Students
Participated in Intervention Meetings between Parents and Schools
Carried out Administrative Duties for School
Designed Special Events and Secured Parental Participation
Salt Brook School, New Providence, NJ
2005 – 2007 Music Teacher- maternity Leave
Created Lesson Plans as per School Curriculum
Followed a Routine and Schedule, to Achieve District Goals
Designed and Taught Various Classes as per Instructions
Arranged and Implemented Parent / Teacher Conferences
Managed the Daily Coming and Going of Students
Carried out Administrative Duties for School
Montgomery Township School District, Pennington/Hopewell Township School District, Somerville Schools, Bridgewater-Raritan Regional School District
2003-2005 Substitute Teacher
Followed Teacher’s lesson plans
Utilized classroom management techniques
Adhered to district rules and regulations
Improvised lessons when plans were unavailable
Kids Music Round, Pennington
2000-2002 Music Teacher
Created “Mommy and Me” type music lessons that satisfied children and their parents
Improvised from lesson plans for fun and enjoyment
Created ongoing re-registration of children and their parents
Established high level of customer rapport with parents
Sold musical instruments
Worked on a team to share ideas and grow and develop the program
Frame It Art Gallery, Monmouth Junction, NJ
1989 – 1999 Owner/ Entrepreneur/ Corporate Art Consultant
Promoted New Products and Services
Processed Supply Orders and Maintained Inventory
Handled Incoming and Outgoing Calls
Managed Customers Complaints and Inquiries
Oversaw and Managed Employees Scheduling and Workload
Handled Accounts Payable and Receivable
Organized, Managed and Presented Art Shows
Consulted on Art Design and Presentation for Corporate Clients
Arranged and Implemented Publicity Events and Press Coverage
Designed and Presented Ideas to Clients
Education
University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Mass
· Bachelors in Theater 2004
The College of New Jersey, Ewing, NJ
· Masters in Elementary Education 2003
Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ
· Institute for New Mathematics Teachers
About Learning, Inc., Wauconda, Ill
· Certified in 4 Mat System of Learning Brain Based Learning
Certifications
New Jersey State Teacher Certification: Elementary Education: K-8, August 2003
Praxis: March, 2003 score 185
Additional Education
· Landmark Education, South Plainfield, NJ
2000-2008 Training in Leadership, Communication, and Self Expression
(Landmark is a member of: American Society for Training and Development, International Society for Performance Improvement,
American Management Association, and Academy of Management)
Additional Expertise
10 years of personal research and private training in addiction
Two-time coach of the 6 month Self Expression and Leadership Course (Landmark Education)
· Managed teams of participants in the course and conducted biweekly team and one-on-one coaching calls
· Oversaw development of a large-scale not-for-profit participant projects
· Propelled creation of long range goals, objectives, timelines, fulfillment
· Oversaw implementation of goals and adherence to timelines and structures
· Helped participants create breakthroughs in their personal/business lives
Skills
· Microsoft Office
· Word, Excel, Outlook, and PowerPoint, Publisher
· Good Written, Organizational and Oral Communication
Interests
· The Arts/Music
· Reading, Writing, Public Speaking
· Personal Growth and Development
· Global Growth and Development
References
Provided Upon Request.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
